Funny, Honey?
by Dueling Dahlings
Summary: Severus Snape's dislike of Remus Lupin was fueled by many things: the fact that the blasted werewolf was flirting shamelessly with Auriga Sinistra simply happened to be the most prominent at the moment.


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Funny, Honey?

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by drama-princess and She's a Star

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Disclaimer: The fabulous world of Harry Potter belongs to a Ms. Joanne Rowling. 'Funny Honey' belongs to the ingenious creators of Chicago.

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Author's Note: We love Snape/Sinistra, really we do. We just love torturing Snape more.

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Dedication: To Dia, Second Mate of the Good Ship Snape/Sinistra. Have a very happy birthday, darling, with lots of ridiculous fluff and evil Snape-tormenting on the way. Because one must love the Snape-tormenting.

*

Professor Severus Snape of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry had many a reason to despise Remus Lupin.

For starters, Lupin had been given the job that Snape had been after for years; Dumbledore had seemed perfectly willing to make Remus part of the staff, ignoring the fact that once a month he was quite the life threat, not to mention downright disgustingly hairy. There was, too, that business about the boggart in Lupin's class that had changed into Snape donning old ladies' garments. The blasted werewolf had no doubt loved that, the bastard. And of course, there was the ever-popular attempt at murdering him in their sixth year at Hogwarts.

Yes, it was quite fair to say that Snape downright loathed Lupin.

And now _this_.

_This_ was too much to take. The werewolf had officially _crossed_ the line.

And, of course, he'd taken Snape's own love interest, one Auriga Sinistra, with him. It was something of an open secret among Hogwarts staff (and thankfully, a closed one among the student body) that the auburn-haired Astronomy professor had slipped into Snape's life (and his dungeons) in the past few years. Of course, things always didn't go so smoothly, Snape admitted as his fingers dug painfully into his coffee cup. Like last night's debacle, where Auriga had completely and utterly overreacted. To see her now, flirting shamelessly with Lupin-- Snape gnashed his teeth together. She was even using those enormous dark eyes at the werewolf and smiling that-- that blasted little, inviting smile. No one else had the right to see that smile.

Snape's grip on his mug was near murderous as he sipped his coffee, gaze never wavering. His black eyes were narrowed in a downright lethal death glare that would have no doubt caused Neville Longbottom to die of fright on the spot. Auriga and Lupin, however, were completely oblivious to the fact that if looks could kill, they'd be pretty damn dead. 

She giggled - _giggled_, for God's sake! Auriga Sinistra did _not_ giggle - and leaned a bit closer to the werewolf, her fingers brushing over his shoulder momentarily. 

All right. This was too much. He knew that she was a bit...miffed at him due to the previous night's occurrence, but really. This was just disgusting.

And he wasn't about to stand for it any longer.

"Hello, Severus."

"Lupin," Snape responded coldly before resting his hand lightly on Professor Sinistra's arm. She glanced up at him, her eyebrows arched in a innocent 'who me?' look. Her lower lip slipped out, just visibly pouting. Snape's only response was to glare. "Auriga?" His tone was silken. "Might I have a word?"

Auriga smirked.

Lupin cleared his throat. Snape shot him a vicious glare.

"If, of course," he gritted out, his grip on her arm tightening involuntarily. "You're not otherwise occupied."

"Oh, no," she said sweetly, prying his hand off her arm and smiling at him. "But I thought you would be-- with Remus's potion and all that."

"It's ready," Snape hissed, folding his arms and meeting her gaze straight on. Lupin smiled and tapped the sheaf of papers he held.

"Thank you, Severus. I really do appreciate it." He then turned to Auriga.

"As always, it's been a pleasure, Auriga."

Snape scowled as Auriga returned, infuriatingly coquettishly, "Remus Lupin, you do know how to flatter a girl."

"I do try," he said pleasantly before disappearing from the staff room. As the door swung closed, Auriga turned to Snape with a saccharine smile.

"Any problems, Severus? Did you get the gillyweed ordered properly, or would you like to discuss it some more?"

He fixed her with a withering glare. "Honestly, Auriga, I never met a more insufferable woman-"

"I'm just inquiring, darling," she said sweetly, fixing him with an innocent smile. "After all, it must have been perturbing you very much if you'd felt compelled to mention it at that particular time last night." She paused, innocent smile morphing into her signature smirk. "_What_ was it you said again?"

"_Auriga_-"

"Ah," she said slyly. "Yes. It's come back to me now." In a ridiculously low, gravelly voice, she growled, "'Longbottom melted another cauldron again, and I forgot to order replacement gillyweed.'"

"What, exactly, is the purpose of bringing this up?" he asked tersely. "Searching for an apology, Auriga?"

"No, no, no," she said sweetly. "Not at all, Sev, darling. It was quite the grand finale."

Sev. She'd called him _Sev._ She knew he _despised_ it when she called him Sev. (Which, he concluded, was probably why she used the blasted nickname at least five times a day.)

"Though," she continued with a sigh ridden with longing, "I suppose that Remus wouldn't exactly react in that manner. He's more the type that would say something along the lines of, 'You're so beautiful' or, dare I even think it, 'I love you, Auriga'?"

"Don't be ridiculous," he snapped irritably. "I refuse to indulge in maudlin sentiments because you do not possess the self-esteem to consider yourself physically attractive. Besides that," he continued as her mouth opened wide in outrage. "Your . . . over-enthusiastic reaction last night certainly compensated for whatever offense I might have made."

"Over-enthusiastic?" Auriga sputtered, and Snape had the dubious pleasure of seeing her lose her composure. Her fingers took hold of his collar, and she dragged him down to her eye level. "Listen, Snape," she said coolly. "You were damned lucky to get off like you did."

"Like I did?" he echoed, raising a sardonic eyebrow as he spoke. "Do you mean other women might not have been content to throw me out into my lab followed by nightshirt and slippers, shrieking like a banshee about 'being an ungrateful prat,' and leaving me to court pneumonia?" Auriga pursed her lips.

"You deserved it. Do you know how much you could set a woman back by doing that?" A mischievous tone crept into her voice, and she released his collar, airily stepping back to take a cup of tea. "Do you know, I can just tell by looking at Remus that he would be a most considerate lover. Woman's intuition."

"Please, Auriga," Snape spat. "I don't care to hear about your idle fantasies-"

"He's a very sensitive, _caring_ man, Remus," Auriga continued loudly, a dreamy expression washing over her features. "In touch with his emotions, I'm sure. _He_ would tell me that he loved me-"

"The way you describe him, Auriga, I wouldn't even be sure that he has a taste for women-"

"And he has such nice hands, too," she continued, purposely ignoring his words. "So smooth and gentle...no _callouses_-" she cast a shifty glance at Snape's own calloused hands, which were currently struggling to refrain from strangling her to death. "Oohh, my knees go weak just thinking about him."

She fixed him with a triumphant smirk for a moment before continuing her lovestruck fangirl act. 

Insolent hussy.

"I'll leave you and your weak knees alone, then," he said coldly, brushing past her. "I have a potion to make."

Or perhaps, a Defense Against the Dark Arts professor to kill.

Slowly.

* * * 

Lupin was actually humming when Snape swept into his office. Humming. 

"Something I can do for you, Severus?" he asked politely, an expression of amused surprise crossing his face. "Cup of tea? Some lemon biscuits? Grindylow?" 

"Yes, actually," Snape said curtly, folding his arms and staring the werewolf down. "I need to speak with about Professor Sinistra."

"Ah, yes. Aur's quite the charmer, isn't she?" Lupin smiled warmly and stacked a pile of essays on the corner of the desk. 

"I hadn't noticed," Snape replied flatly.

". . . oh?"

"Yes." Snape cleared his throat and paced the room a little, eyeing the disordered that surrounded Lupin distastefully. "You are aware, of course, that Professor Sinistra is quite a valuable academic." 

"Indeed." Lupin nodded seriously. "I thought she might be when you told her last staff meeting that she was 'an irritating twit with her head in the stars.'" 

Snape bit back a wince at that memory. Auriga had been insisting upon leaving her cosmetics in his medicine cabinet, and he had accidentally picked up some rouge in place of a healing powder. The resulting fight had, all in all, been relatively minor, although he still regretted the loss of his best scales.

"Yes, well," he said stiffly. An _extremely_ infuriating smile was playing around the corners of Lupin's mouth.

The fool was _laughing_ at him. 

Laughing.

At him.

"From what I've heard, she's a wonderful professor," Lupin continued. "Her lessons are apparently quite informative."

"Yes," Snape agreed, nodding vigorously. Lupin looked at him strangely, and Snape struggled to regain composure. 

It all came back to that _woman_. That damned woman. Why could she turn him into such a bumbling idiot? Surely it wasn't healthy.

"Yes, she's a most valued addition to the Hogwarts staff," Snape continued smoothly. "And with her lessons taking place so late at night, she really is running quite thin on energy as is."

Lupin stared at him blankly. He nodded, vaguely bewildered. "Yes. Of course."

_That bastard,_ Snape thought viciously, _Pretending that he doesn't have the slightest idea what I'm talking about._ There was no doubt that the werewolf knew _exactly_ what effect he had on Auriga - he no doubt simply _doted_ upon the idea. Could he really be as kind, as _sensitive _(Snape sneered) as he appeared to be?

No. It simply wasn't possible. As a matter of fact, Snape wouldn't be surprised if it turned out that under his 'perfect gentleman' facade, Remus Lupin was a scrupleless womanizer.

Yes. That had to be it.

Well, Snape would be damned if he let Lupin reel Auriga into his web of insincere flirtations and 'chivalrous' ways. 

"Because-- you see-- Auriga is-- well, how shall I say this?" Snape wracked his brain frantically. What could he say to convince Lupin to keep his chauvinistic little paws off of Auriga? Married? Engaged? A vampire? "Not interested in men," he blurted out.

Lupin raised both his eyebrows. "Indeed?"

"Y-yes. Yes," Snape said firmly. "In fact, I believe that she is. . . seeing a woman in London at the moment."

Well, it was true. Auriga liked to visit her sister in London quite often.

"Oh," Lupin said thoughtfully. He looked Snape up and down. "Really? Well, that's interesting. You see, I heard the most ridiculous rumor--"

"Really, Lupin," Snape cut in hastily. "It's not necessary to discuss Professor Sinistra's private life."

Lupin looked a bit puzzled. "But weren't you just-"

"I don't know what you mean, Lupin," said Snape crisply. "But if I were you, I would attempt to keep my nose out of other peoples' business. It really is unprofessional."

Lupin blinked. "Er-"

"Imagine if someone did that to you," Snape finished, displaying his best 'why-don't-you-curl-up-and-die-so-I-will-be-free-of-your-pitiful-presence' sneer with flourish. 

"Um...all right, Severus."

"All right, then," Snape said coldly, moving toward the door. 

Auriga had better be grateful. He'd surely just saved her from potential heartache.

He had already passed through the threshold when a thought occurred to him, and he turned back.

"And Lupin?"

"Yes?" Lupin asked, looking up from his desk. He appeared to be smothering a smile.

Bastard.

"Don't tell her I told you about..." Damn. A name, a name, he needed a name. "...Sylvia."

"Sylvia?" Lupin raised an eyebrow.

"Sylvia," Snape confirmed with a nod. "She likes to keep it...quiet."

Lupin nodded. "I'll do that."

"Let's hope so," Snape said curtly. "Good day, Lupin."

And good riddance, Snape thought privately as he strode away to his private rooms. Now all that was left was to convince Auriga to overcome the gillyweed. As long as he spat some romantic nonsense at her, though, he should be fine.

. . . not that he was at all concerned with her, of course.

"Out of my way, Potter," he snapped, nearly stepping on the irritating brat's fingers on his way to his quarters. "Five points from Gryffindor for being too near the teacher's quarters."

Left, right-- where was Auriga at, anyway? He opened the door and strode inside, only to be stopped short by the scene that greeted him. 

"Sometimes I'm right. . . sometimes I'm wrong," a husky voice greeted him as Snape closed the door, smiling smugly to himself. Auriga stood next to the wireless, attired only in a skimpy negligée that revealed her generous curves. She smiled, slowly, and took his hand as he drew her closer.

"But he doesn't care," she breathed in his ear, her fingers running down his shoulder. "He'll stray along..."

Well. This certainly wasn't the welcome that he'd been expecting.

"He loves me so," she continued, a coquettish smile playing at her lips as she traced his jawline slowly with her fingertip. "That funny honey of mine..."

He should have lectured her. God knew there were a million things wrong with this picture. He was being serenaded by a lingerie-clad woman who was supposed to be furious at him and enamored with Lupin. Perhaps she'd been expecting the werewolf instead? It was, after all, quite dark in there - the only light came from a few dim candles that had been scattered around his quarters. Maybe she thought...

It didn't matter. This was complete madness. Utter stupidity. _No one_ serenaded Severus Snape. It just wasn't done.

And yet he found himself simply watching her; upon opening his mouth, he made the discovery that his vocabulary had apparently gone on holiday without notifying him.

Auriga's lips found his, and he managed a very articulate moan.

Nice, Snape, he thought privately as her hands crept down, alternately unbuttoning his high collar and running her fingers through his hair. Then Auriga slid off his robe and giggled, kissing the tip of his nose as the black wool slid to the ground. 

"Poor Sev," she murmured, trailing kisses along his jawline and neck. She fingered the open collar and kissed the skin there, leaving a series of red lipstick kisses there. "A bad day. . .found his girlfriend flirting with his hated enemy. . . came back to a lovely scene. . ." she raised her head and drew back from him, sadly shaking her head. "And now he has to go away."

"Away?" Snape choked.

"Yes. You, see, dear, you were right. I didn't like Lupin. I'm in love with. . . Sylvia."

"What?" he managed, stumbling out of the room, frustrated and stunned.

"You see, sweetie," Auriga said gently, mussing his hair one more time before pushing him all the way out. "You really should check to see who's floo'd into a room before you speak." Her sweet facade cracked for a moment. 

"And you aren't getting a thing from me until the term ends," she said grimly.

With that, the door slammed shut behind him, leaving him locked out of his own quarters. Covered in lipstick kisses. Sans his robe, and with his shirt half open. God, the only thing that could make it worse was--

"Hello, Severus," Lupin said pleasantly. "Get kicked out of a threesome with Sylvia?" 

Snape opened his mouth as Lupin walked by with what looked like was a smile on his face. Damn him. Damn Auriga. And damn Sylvia, who didn't even exist. He sank to the floor, burying his face in his hands.

You know, in retrospect, he should have made it at least ten points from Potter.

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Finito!


End file.
